First of all, I hear you. What you’re saying. How can tofu be THE ULTIMATE MEAT? It isn’t even a meat, in the conventional sense, in that it doesn’t come from, you know, an animal. Doesn’t something have to die before it can be considered meat? Tofu is made from a soybean! Understand? “Bean”? A vegetable?!? And, holy tits of santa, the soybean is green! A fucking green plant…considered meat…THE ULTIMATE MEAT? It’s a logical fallacy at its core, much like debating if the McRib sandwich is the ULTIMATE rib, or if Gwen Stefani is the ULTIMATE music artist (when it’s clear she is neither an artist nor what she actually barfs up can be considered music).

Like I said, I hear you. But I’m going to tell you why tofu is not only THE ULTIMATE MEAT, it’s THE ULTIMATE OF ANYTHING TO INFINITY.

Why?

Well, tofu makes you gay. Jim Rutz said so. Gay! Not pansy, not mamsy, not metrosexual, not bisexual. Gay. After eating tofu, you don’t go out and buy an Erasure album (the one with that one song your your girlfriend liked back in the day). Instead, you shave your head, scour the MSM section of the alternative weekly classifieds, re-form Bronski Beat, and start debating the merits of “pitcher or catcher?”.

What other protein-rich meat stuff wields such sort of awesomingly brutal power? I’ll leave it up to the moral relativists to decide if that power is good or bad. I don’t judge. But on its face, nothing can match the ULTIMATENESS contained in a liquid packed, plastic container of tofu. Silken, soft, medium, firm, or extra firm — however you like and whatever floats your boat, buddy. It will all make you gay.

Steak? Doesn’t make you more of a heterosexual anymore than a head of cabbage. In fact, once you go gayfu, there’s no turning back. No amount of continuous, seemingly masculine meat consumption will bring you back from gaydom. No amount of rare burgers, lamb, elk, bear, possum, gizzards, lizards, cow brains, or sheep intestines will squelch the appeal of the Bravo Channel, Scandinavian furniture, and fanny packs. You might try chasing shots of human adrenaline with pints of raw ram’s blood, but you’ll still feel the unconquerable urge to pull your Dodge Neon over in front of that charming sidewalk cafe and reflexively order a decaf soy milk mochaccino to accompany your Quiche Lorraine and buttery croissant, all the while nodding approvingly to the Celine Dion being blared by the outdoor sound system. Face it. You’re gay.

Tofu is THE ULTIMATE MEAT. You’ve fallen under its spell.

And with that, I leave you with a song. While I thought long (and hard) about putting together a gay ode to the tune of Judas Priest’s “Turbo Lover” (i.e. “I’m your Tofu Lover!”), instead I went with the decidely safer choice of Hall and Oates.

Mancheater

(sung to the tune of Hall and Oates’ “Maneater” Notice the gay porn ‘stache being sported by Oates. Magnificent.)

(verse 1)

It only comes at night
Stockings and fishnet tights
Something is new, you haven’t eaten this before
Rupaul of protein
You’d better watch out, or your knees are on the floor
So it’s the “Liberace” of meat
‘Fore long you’ll take it in the seat
That tofu is wild, a man-bear tamed by a roar of a grizzly
Jim Rutz is saying
That Doogie Howser got gay from stir fried tofu and broccoli

(chorus repeat x2)

Tofu here it comes
Watch ‘fore you chew it up
Tofu here it comes
It’s a Mancheater

(verse 2)

Tofu instead of sea bass
Poisoned N’Sync’s Lance Bass
Soy makes you gay, who cares if that doesn’t make too much sense
Jim Rutz keeps saying
Soy equals queer and he speaks from experience

(chorus repeat x2)

Tofu here it comes
Watch ‘fore you chew it up
Tofu here it comes
It’s a Mancheater

(incredibly gay saxaphone solo)

(chorus repeat until fade)

Tofu here it comes
Watch ‘fore you chew it up (watch out!)
Tofu here it comes
It’s a Mancheater