Shrimp, aka prawns. And, to a lesser extent, krill. Using the term “shrimp” and “prawn” interchangeably is a bit of a misnomer, as prawns are actually distinguished from the shrimp by the nature of their gills. But in common parlance the term “prawn” is commonly used to refer to the larger, yoked up specimen, i.e. the Barry Bonds of shrimp. And it’s important to note the prawn has a regular plural form, whereas shrimp can refer to one lonesome crustacean or a bevy (a flock? a murder?) of the little critters, putting them on the same solid linguistic footing as sheep and moose. That has to count for something.

And so does the fact that Red Lobster holds a yearly “Shrimpfest”, even though shrimp isn’t even in their name! You would presume they simply exist to serve their mighty overlord — the haughty and disdainful lobster, yet they see fit to celebrate the wonder and grandeur that is the shrimp with a wild celebration each year. You don’t see Red Lobster doing this for anything else. There’s no “Quailfest” or even a “Sea Urchin Roe Box Social.” People flock from miles away to Red Lobster each year to pay homage to the shrimp, downing dozens of shrimp that have been fried, sauteed, steamed (but mostly fried) in an all-you-can eat bacchanalian orgy of pink ecstasy.

Shrimp are a decapod crustacean, meaning they have 10 legs, putting them in the same category as crayfish, crabs and lobsters. But unlike the aforementioned lazy buggers, shrimp are swimmers, rather than crawlers. While their stuck-up cousins the lobster and the crab slovenly crawl around, bottom-feeding and garnering all the positive press, shrimp actually work for their lot in life, yet are underappreciated despite their work ethic. Think of them as the illegal immigrants of shellfish.

These crustacean often get a bad rap for being unhealthy. Shrimp are high in cholesterol, like eggs and organ meats. That alone vaults them to the top of the meat genus — cholesterol is where all the hot action is, right? But this is an unfair stigma, as a recent study comparing shrimp and egg diets proved that — while the shrimp diet raised LDL (“bad”) cholesterol levels somewhat (though less than the egg) — it also raised the level of HDL (“good”) cholesterol in greater proportions than the egg diet (no disrpect to the noble egg, mind you). Indeed, shrimp clearly qualify as one of the world’s great superfoods:

Shrimp are anything but small in their nutrient density. Our food ranking system qualified shrimp as an excellent source of selenium and unusually low-fat, low-calorie protein–a four ounce serving of shrimp supplies 23.7 grams of protein (that’s 47.4% of the daily value for protein) for a mere 112 calories and less than a gram of fat. Shrimp also emerged as a very good source of vitamin D and vitamin B12…

In just a four-ounce serving of shrimp, you’ll receive 28.2% of the daily value for vitamin B12. Vitamin B12 is one of the nutrients needed to keep levels of homocysteine, a molecule that can directly damage blood vessel walls and is considered a significant risk factor for cardiovascular disease, low. In addition, shrimp are also a good source of cardio-protective omega-3 fatty acids, noted for their anti-inflammatory effects and ability to prevent the formation of blood clots. Four ounces of shrimp provide 14.8% of your daily need for these protective fats.

(Source: World’s Healthiest Foods)

And although God Hates Shrimp, it doesn’t mean you have to. During a trip to the neighborhood Cantonese restaurant, even the most observant Jew will forsake their Abrahamic religion for some Shrimp with Lobster sauce. Plus, it’s a well known fact God himself chooses to materially project the image of his holy Son in the tail of a shrimp. (Well, either Jesus or Bob Marley…same thing).

Shrimp have very few equals in the world of deliciousness. It’s often the main event but also makes an equally fine supporting actor. One only has to look at the myriad of Asian cuisines that employ the use of fermented shrimp paste as a seasoning and condiment: Thai (“Kapi”), Malay (“Blacan”), and the Chinese versions that are tepidly gray and have the consistency of a concrete slurry. Vietnamese and Filipino versions will sometimes feature entire little shrimp, eyeballs and all, mucking around in the sludge. But these fermented pastes belie their strength and power as keen seasoning agents. Like the anchovy, shrimp is one of the few of God’s creatures that take on a transformative culinary power AS IT ROTS FROM THE HEAD DOWN. That is indeed a force to reckon with.

Though shrimp cooks in a flash, as a seafood and a meat it is unrivaled in the ways it can be cooked, and this shellfish proliferates across all the world’s cultures and cuisines. To illustrate this, we turn to Bubba from Forrest Gump:

Au contraire mon frère, Bubba. There’s much, much more. Let us not forget how shrimp stars in any paella. And how mashed shrimp meat, plodded on the end of a sugar cane, is one of life’s great pleasures. And how in the Vietnamese soup “bun rieu”, dried shrimp adds a complexity to the broth, and shrimp paste delivers the knockout punch in the soup itself. Or how shrimp dumplings can easily steal the show in any dim sum marathon. And, on the more pedestrian side, shrimp chips that start as brittle shavings and dramatically puffs up into fried, technicolor, crispy goodness. And what about the baja shrimp taco?

A taco nonpareil.

And of course the grandaddy of them all, the mighty, powerful, unrivaled jumbo shrimp cocktail, a brilliant showcase which proves shrimp can easily be the star — the Meryl Streep (or Jenna Jamison) — of any meal.

But shrimp not only stars but also plays well with other kids. Look at Vietnamese cuisine and the interplay of shrimp and pork in goi cuon and hu tieu soup. When the combination of ground shrimp and pork is stuffed inside something — be it a wonton, lumpia, cia gio or egg roll wrapper, or an eggplant, or the cavity of a squid — magic occurs.

Also, it cannot be overlooked that shrimp as a primary foodstuff for many animals besides humans. Tiny krill are the cornerstone of the food chain. (“Everything eats krill, or eats something that eats krill,” says ecologist Marc Mangel. “Fish, marine mammals, and marine birds all eat krill.”) Humans themselves eat krill to — in Japan it is known as “Okiami”. And with a estimated sustainable harvest of 150 million tons a year (compared to less than one hundred million tons of all species of fish and shellfish combined), krill might be the only way we get our meat on in the future once we’ve run out of monkfish and chilean sea bass, avian flu has killed all of our birds, and all our cows have gone mad. Shrimp are THE ULTIMATE MEAT, because, like Obi-Wan Kenobi, they are our only hope.

Lastly, I leave you with the Huka Prawn Park, a freshwater prawn farm (and theme park — one where you can ultimately eat what you’re there to observe) in Taupo, New Zealand. Home to “Grumpy”, the largest prawn in captivity (which assumes larger, oxymoronic shrimp are running amok in the wild). Huka Prawn Park is the direct result of “Kiwi ingenuity” and was created to utilize geothermal waste heat from the nearby Wairakei power plant. Talk about sustainable farming! That’s like Kobe cows growing to be the size of elephants from sucking on a Hummer tailpipe.

Meat that grows exponentially large and thrives off the waste byproduct of generated energy? Montgomery Burns would be proud.