Monthly Archives: August 2006

Would you like fries with that virgin?

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Virgin Mary Spotted In Foreman Grill Tray.

A St. Louis man claims to have seen an image of the Virgin Mary, but you’re not going to believe where he says her face appears.

John Milanos was cooking a hamburger on his George Foreman Grill last week in Missouri.

After he was done, he said the Holy Mother’s face appeared in the leftover grease.

The grease was in a small plastic drip pan that catches the grease and other fluids that run off the grill.

That’s nothing. I once created a corned beef sandwich in my panini press that looked like Burt Reynolds circa Smokey and the Bandit. How come I don’t get my name in the news?

Who’s down with OCD? Every last homey!

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As part of my life long pursuit to osmotically absorb as much OCD as possible from my lovely but clinically insane wife, I recently underwent a weekend hajj to the suburbs. Namely, The Container Store, located at Bridgeport Village. If you’ve never been, Bridgeport Village is an outdoor mall in Tigard/Sherwood that essentially exists as a vacuous, reductive, pre-fab microcosm of everything for which the Terrorists™ hate us for, replete with an Apple Store with a brushed metal facade which oozes Brand® smegma (penetrating your every orifice), a Talbot’s emporium of tweed and sueded satin for the alcoholic Botoxed soccer mom set, and a Sweet Factory candy island featuring gummi colas priced per pound at a greater clip than hangar steak from my local natural food mart.

But I digress.

My spice and dried herb situation was getting quite hairy, and I reached deep into the bowels of my own forthrightness and decided, damnit, I was finally going to do something about it.

I present you the fruits of my labor.

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I must say that cooking is now a much more organized affair, and I’m much more apt to not wing it as I go along. I can now assemble my dry mise en place with such aplomb that my exhalted sense of self-satisfication has led me to other obsessive-compulsive dallies such as forever reorganizing the meat and produce drawers of my fridge and constantly pruning my Mac desktop using a myriad of ambidextrous keyboard shortcuts.

Riding the Tubes

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Quick note on some of the culinary going-ons currently happening on these here Internets. These are blogs I like to frequent due to their writing style and breadth of content.

On the Portland tip:

USA Today highlights food blogs

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Insatiable appetite for gastronomy fuels weblogs.

USA Today provides a run-down of the food blog and food porn phenomena.

Good: Highlighting some of the best food blogs on the Interwebs and providing links to their respective homes.

Bad (and immeasurably tacky): Tying up the Tubes of the Internets with the preposterous notion that one must register in order TO CLICK ON A LINK and follow said link to its logical conclusion. Thanks for vasectomizing the spirit of the web in order to satiate your blood-thirsty data mining operatives, USATODAY.com. I almost forgot how to CUT AND PASTE.

The pleasures of emulsified forcemeat

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In last month’s issue of Gourmet, Michael Ruhlman — who recently guest-blogged at Megnut’s place and whose writing I respect — penned an ode to hot dogs.

He claims the best hot dogs in the world are Vienna Beefs, and having had a Chicago-style dog last year at O’Hare on my way to Rochester, I can’t say I’d put up a firm argument.

Hot dogs, he explained, are part of the meat genus we call “emulsified forcemeat”. I’d never heard of that term before, and in addition to conjuring images of a Nordic death metal four piece (or a gay S&M fetish flick), this reductive term sounds a little less than appetizing. But as every professional athlete inevitably says in the course of a cliche-ridden press conference (and as Pope John famously pronounced when asked about Mel Gibson’s Jew-baiting movie), “it is what it is.”

I ran across an article (via Ruhlman via NYTimes and I made a short post here previously about it but I’m too lazy and thick with enchiladas to bother linking to) about how the organic franks from premier beef producers were making a splash on the hot dog scene. Instead of the pessimistic nitrates used to artificially preserve the meat, they used celery juice. See, nitrates also give the dog its nice, pinkish hue, and nitrate-free dogs have a really nasty brown tinge to it, like cardboard. Celery juice to the rescue!

I stopped by Trader Joes shortly after reading the article and picked up what I consider to be the best hot dogs in the world – Niman Ranch Fearless Uncured Beef Franks.

Hotdog

They come four to a package, and each one weighs in at a hefty quarter pound. I checked the ingredients list, and lo and behold celery juice was listed. If you haven’t had these hot dogs and consider yourself a hot dog fan, pick up a package next time you’re at Trader Joes (I’m not sure where else to buy them). They are actually leaner than many 1/4 franks I’ve seen – with 19 grams of fat – I’ve seen other dogs such as the Sinai Kosher’s at Costco run 30 grams. For post-cooked weight, that’s actually less fat than a raw 80% ground beef burger.

Here is a full metal jacket Chicago dog I’ve recently had, starring a Niman Ranch uncured.

Hotdog2

Haute quee-zine

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Good-bye grits, hello quinoa.

Creative chefs across the country are reinterpreting the greasy spoon. Sleek interiors and inventive cuisine define a new crop of diners.

How come no toro tuna casserole made with cream of truffle soup, topped with crushed taro chips?

CNN tells you how to round out your faux haute trash experience with a stay in a vintage Airstream trailer, whereupon you’ll sip MD 20-20 cosmopolitans and beat your mistress while watching an episode of Project Runway.

Bánh mì

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I’ve always loved a good sandwich on a crusty french roll.

Lately, Vietnamese sandwiches, aka Bánh mì, have been becoming more institutionalized in American culture (as evidenced by the Wikipedia entry). A large immigrant population, combined with how ridiculously cheap these sandwiches are — and of course how tasty they are too — have helped bánh mì to become part of the culinary landscape of many North American cities.

When eating at a deli, I tend to stick with the predictable — bbq pork, grilled lemongrass pork or grilled beef. You can go nuts and get paté or other strange spreads and offal bits (as my mom and sister are wont to do), but those things sort of freak me out. Part of it I think goes back to when I was 8 years old, visiting relatives in Paris. I was holed up in a hotel room (because as a young kid I was complete prick and never wanted to do anything), listening to Blondie with nothing to eat except a baguette and various tins of paté. That same trip I ordered a steak at a sidewalk bistro and it came out so bloody rare that I swore the heifer was still chomping the cud, and was subsequently pretty freaked out about the entire Franchophilia thing in general.

At home I’ll make my sandwiches with pork meatloaf, which is sort of like an emulsified forcemeat, a Vietnamese bologna. Growing up, we called this stuff “Hong Kong meat”, which I presume was a vaguely pejorative term coined by mom to refer to its erstwhile status in comparison to “real” meat, Hong Kong being at the time the origin of her Louis Vuitton knockoffs.

So why even make these sandwiches at home, when they are ridiculously cheap, sometimes even only $1.75 per sandwich? It’s all about the quality control. First of all, you’ll notice the meat to bread ratio of bánh mì is pretty low. You’re getting mostly bread – I don’t think you’ll ever confuse a commercial Viet sandwich as being “overstuffed.” Second, you can really go crazy and load on the garnishes – unless you know the language and the person making the sandwich, you’ll have a difficult time cajoling extra peppers or cilantro. It’s not Subway.

Assembling a sandwich is fairly simple: slice the pork loaf, top with daikon radish and carrots, julienne jalapenos peppers, sliced cucumber, and toast. After toasting, garnish with lots of cilantro (if you’re like me), and douse liberally with Maggi. That’s another bonus of making these at home — if you are so inclined you can really make the sandwich a veritable salt bomb by soaking the surface of the toasted french roll.

Hong Phat market (NE 99th and Prescott) sells cartons of pre-marinated, julienne daikon and carrots for $2.50, and it is enough to dress probably a half-dozen (or more) sandwiches. Keep in mind, this stuff smells like ass and will commandeer your entire fridge, not to mention probably imbue its nasty ass perfume to a few of the less sturdy items in your freezer as well.

The french rolls used for bánh mì can be picked up at pretty much any Vietnamese market in town (Hong Phat, Than Thao on Sandy/65th, Fubonn), and are usually around 5 for $1.50. Untoasted, these can be a bit too fluffy and doughy, so make sure you toast them, as they will become much more palatable. You are even better off picking up a mini baguette from New Seasons, as that has a better crust.

Bahn-Mi1

This is the brand of pork loaf I commonly buy – it’s available in most Vietnamese markets. It is one of the few brands that has nutritional information, and also appears to be the leanest. Keep in mind that there are a couple other variations, with pork skin added, if that’s your thing. For me it’s a little too weird, with a ring of translucent, gelatinous fat that runs the length of the loaf.

Bahn-Mi2

This stuff smells like ass, but is essential for a good bánh mì. Maybe I should make my own to try to temper the ass out of the smell.

Bahn-Mi4

Ah, good old Maggi, liquidized vegetable protein and potent MSG delivery vehicle. Abide by the firm suggestion on the label – a few dashes. It’s much saltier than soy sauce. This is the bulk, Americanized bottle – the gold standard is the actual Swiss brewed nectar that comes in much smaller bottles yet is twice the price.

Bahn-Mi5

Fully dressed bánh mì.

Bahn-Mi6

Bahn-Mi7

FUBAR

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This has nothing to do with food. In fact, this is the first post that portends that this blog will no longer be about just food alone.

We are currently mired in the worst war…ever. The worst foreign policy blunder our country has ever stumbled upon. This piece of meat is burned, beyond repair, charred beyond palatable.

I was never for the war in Iraq, and I never really suffered the fools who thought there was any tenable argument for this war. I grew up in the region, but I don’t even pretend that I could have foreseen what a complete clusterfuck this piece of shit would have become. If you have even half a sense of where your asshole is in relation to your eyeball, you would have known this was a bad idea.

Anybody on the fence should just jump the fuck over. It is clear who is responsible. No more pussyfooting, no equivocal arguments.

Throw the bums out, all of them. Starting with Mr. Enabler himself, Joe Lieberman. Fuck that dick.

Rehearsal dinner

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A few months ago my sister-in-law was married in downtown Portland, at the Treasury Ballroom, which is just across the street from the Benson hotel. The ceremony was very nice, and as usual I got drunk and started to break dance in my suit, only to shown up by one of her 6-year old former students (the sister teaches kindergarten at a Montessori school in Lake Oswego).

The night before I put together a very informal rehearsal dinner buffet at my home in North Portland. I went with a Greek/Meditteranean theme, as that cuisine tends to appeal to a wide variety of people and is very veggie-friendly. I spent a couple days shopping and prepping, and took a Friday off from work to pull it all together.

There were about 25+ people at the dinner. Nobody retched or become violently ill the next day, so I assume it was well received by the groom’s family and our out-of-town guests. Here’s the menu:

Menu

  • Roast Leg of Lamb scented with Rosemary, Preserved Lemon and Garlic. Served with Lemon Tahini
  • Pork Souvlaki with Tomato, Orange Peppers, and Red Onion
  • Greek Salad of Romaine, Cherry Tomatoes, Hot Peppers, Feta, Kalamata Olives, Cucumbers, in Red Wine Vinagrette.
  • Tabbouleh with Tomato, Cucumber, Parsley
  • Orzo Pasta Salad with Tomatoes, Peppers, Feta, Red Onion, Artichoke Hearts
  • Dolmathes stuffed with Rice and Herbs with Egg Lemon (Avgolemono) Sauce
  • Lemon Garlic Tzatziki with Pita
  • Hummus with Pita
  • Assorted Baklava

And the photos:

Spread

Partial view of the spread…orzo and tzatiki. The pita I actually purchased from Alladin’s restaurant on NE 33rd (around Ainsworth). I don’t know or want to know how to make good pita – I’ll let those guys do what they do best.

Tabbouleh

Tabbouleh. I bought the bulger wheat from the bulk bins at Fred Meyer. I like a higher percentage of wheat to parsley than what you’d find at some Middle Eastern restaurants. Lots of lemon juice – when steeping the wheat to make it tabouleh-ready, I use the juice of half a lemon and a few tablespoons of olive oil in addition to hot water. I saw that breathy vixen Ina Garten (from TV’s The Barefoot Contessa) use this technique.

Tzatziki

Tzatiki. I used half plain non-fat yogurt and half that creamy whole milk greek yogurt you can score at Trader’s Joes. The non-fat stuff needs to strain in cheesecloth for at least a few hours. Lots of raw garlic.

Dolmathes

Dolmathes. See recipe for lemon egg sauce below.

Greek-Salad

Greek salad, with simple vinagrette of equal parts red wine vinegar and olive oil, plus 2 tablespoons olive oil drizzled on top after tossing. I usually like huge blocks of feta, but went with a pre-crumbled bulk brand I found at Costco.

Hummus

Hummus. Simple and creamy. Dusted with Spanish paprika and garnished with parsley and a single, oil cured olive.

Orzo

Orzo pasta salad, served slightly warm.

Lamb

Boneless leg of lamb, from Costco. Marinated with rosemary from my garden, lemon, olive oil, kosher salt, coarse ground pepper, and seared on my grill and finished by roasting in the oven.

Meat-Platter

The platter o’meat, including lamb and souvlaki. The tahini sauce is simply whipped sesame paste and lemon juice. It was disappointing as the consistency was more like peanut butter instead of saucy.

Souvlaki-2-Lamb

More meat.

Souvlaki

Pork souvlaki, grilled on skewers.

Backlava

I suck at desserts, so I didn’t even try. I simply bought Baklava from Trader Joes. I heated honey, freshly squeezed orange juice, and a cinnamon stick in a sauce pan, dipped the bottoms and arranged the baklava pieces on a couple platters.

Here’s a recipe for Avgolemono sauce I found while surfing the tubes of the Internets. I can’t find the link for the source, but it is pretty simple (outside of technique) and is how I remember it when I used to work in a Greek cafe in college.

Egg Lemon Sauce (Avgolemono Sauce)

4 egg yolks
1/2 cup lemon juice
A little over 1 cup hot (not boiling) chicken broth

Whisk the yolks until they start to become frothy, and slowly stream in the lemon juice. Continue whisking for a minute or so, and start to pour in the broth in a steady stream, constantly whisking. Pour everything into a saucepan and heat at low. Continue to whisk while heating until the sauce is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon.

Mmmmm…female cochineal beetles

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Few people know that the food coloring listed as cochineal extract comes from female beetles. Food activists want to spread the word.

When you dig into a strawberry Yoplait yogurt, take a moment to contemplate where the beautiful pink color comes from. Strawberries? Think again. It comes from crushed bugs. Specifically, from the female cochineal beetles and their eggs. And it’s not just yogurt. The bugs are also used to give red coloring to Hershey (HSY) Good & Plenty candies, Tropicana grapefruit juice, and other common foods.

Other surprises: Wild salmon is pink because it eats krill – a luxury farm-raised salmon don’t have. So they are fed chemicals that lend them their color. And Betty Crocker icing is not white because of egg whites or cream or even Peruvian flake cocaine – its lustre is only achieved with the same titanium dioxide you used to paint your utility room.

Grilled Lemongrass Beef

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Lemongrass beef is one of my all time favorites. It was a go-to staple in my household, and I ate it often and graciously growing up. Thinly sliced beef, marinated in lemon grass, garlic, chili, ginger. My mom used cheaper, lean cuts such as london broil or eye of round – it was a good use of leftover pho tai meat – though you could certainly use a cut with more marbling.

Grilled Lemongrass Beef

1 pound london broil
2 stalks lemon grass
2 cloves garlic
1 knob of ginger (I like to grate the ginger using my microplane)
1 teaspoon sesame seeds
1/2 teaspoon fennel seeds (or so – i just sprinkled a few on)
1 tablespoon tumeric
1/2 tablespoon dried lemongrass
2 tablespoons sesame oil
1 teaspoon sweetened chinese black vinegar
1 teaspoon maggi or soy sauce
1 teaspoon fish sauce
Optional – add a couple smashed thai bird chilies (or crushed red pepper flakes)

Freeze the london broil for 30 minutes. Slice in thin slices (1/8 inch or so).

Cut off inch or so off the tip of lemon grass, slice off bottom nubs. Slice in half, and then in half again, and mince stalks as fine as possible.

Combine with all the ingredients and marinade overnight.

Last year at Uwajimaya I ran across this stovetop griller for use with gas stoves.

When the stock stove grates are removed, the surface area becomes one large cooking canvas, and slots allow direct flames to shoot up and kiss your food with searing hot, adoring lashes.

A concentric drip pan sits under the cooking surface and straddles your stove’s gas conduit, and you fill this with just enough water to vaporize the drippings. You don’t want to much water in here or it will bubble over and prevent flames from escaping.

You can grill pieces in a mack daddy Japanese grill pan like I did recently:

Or you can certainly use the broiler or a conventional grill pan. But an open flame is the key for getting some good char and caramelization. Here’s beef from the same marinade batch, threaded on a skewer and grilled outside.

What to eat with grilled lemongrass beef? I ate this with broken jasmine rice, but you could also enjoy the beef on top of rice noodles, garnished with cucumber, mint, cilantro, and julienned red leaf lettuce, and tossed with nuoc mam cham and finished with crushed peanuts. Or you can put all the aforementioned garnish ingredients in a softened rice paper sheet and roll it up like a hand roll and dip in nuoc mam cham or a peanut hoisin sauce.

(Crickets…)

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If a blog falls in the forest, does anyone trackback?

I know, it’s been a while. For the .34 readers of this blog, you’ll be ecstatic to hear that rumors of its death have been greatly exaggerated. I’ve been very busy with work and traveling this month. I promise to implement a pre-fall solstice resolution and pick up the pace of content creation on this erstwhile blog.

Why has happened since my last post? The Middle East has exploded into…well, business as usual, I suppose. It’s just that everyone’s punching in early for work, skipping lunch and putting in overtime.

The United States continues to inch closer towards Einstein’s definition of clinical insanity. Mel Gibson has confirmed our suspicions that he is officially batshit crazy.

On the food front, the War Against Carnivores™ remaines unabated, and threatens to wage another trans-fat battle in Chicago (which incidentally is the central front, what with the foie gras ban and what not…we fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here).

So instead of actual, original content, here’s a rundown of some of the culinary trees falling around the Net that are indeed making a sound.

Pok Pok, everyone’s favorite Thai love shack, is officially closed. Check out the thread at Portlandfood.org (and get a lesson in Restaurant Econ 101 from Mr. Pok Pok himself) and get Hungry T’s recount of his Last Supper.

There’s a lively discussion at Food Dude’s place regarding the aforementioned Great Chicago Trans-fat Parade.

Chez Pim and the Amateur Gourmet make a cute couple (if only the AG wasn’t taken (and gay)).

Extramsg is close to finishing his Portland tip sheet, and has a particularly great line in his writeup on the American Cheese Society’s Festival of Cheese.

Gastronaut finds evidence of the world’s best branding. I think this has “What the Pho?” beat hands down.

Chubby Hubby celebrates the simple shrimp cocktail. Except he calls them prawns cuz that’s what they do in Singapore.

There’s lots more happening out there…have fun exploring the interwebs!